Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
