Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Sober January is a disaster.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
