She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
