I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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