You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
