did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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