Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
