it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
did you just send me my own nude
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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