That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
