Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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