is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
