he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
