Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
40s are totally the cure
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
