I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
