I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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