He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
