In the future we'll all be gay
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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