your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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