she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
