my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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