alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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