she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
