It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Shame - the story of my life.
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