shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
