This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
