i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The best revenge is premature balding
He felt like a one man threesome
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
