I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
