i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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