I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
