Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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