I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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