Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
