Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
