I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
