I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
