I hate all girls vehemently.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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