I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
