I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
