Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
They have beer where we have blood.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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