So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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