Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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