Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
