My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Found the puke drawer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
