Pants 0. Shit 1.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
