11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
