just come out here and I will go home with you...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
