Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
