i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
