Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
