He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
